Gary: six years clean, Ipswich, UK Life is like a party. You invite a lot of people; some go, some join you, some laugh with you, some didn’t come. But in the end, after the fun, there would be a few who would clean up the mess with you. And most of the time, those were the uninvited ones.
Ron White: I got thrown out of a bar in New York City. Now, when I say I got thrown out of a bar, I don’t mean someone asked me to leave, and we walked to the door together, and I said, “Bye everyone, I gotta go!” Six bouncers picked me up and hurled me out of that bar like I was a Frisbee. Those big old New York bouncers that think that bouncing is cool. They hang out with other bouncers, talking about bouncing. They go home at night and watch ‘Road House’ and fondle themselves. For wearing a hat. I walk into a bar and the bouncer comes over to me, real pissy, and goes, “Take off the hat!” I’m like, “What’s the deal?” He goes, “I’ll tell you what the deal is. Gay people in this area wear hats; we’re tryin’ to keep them out of our club!” Oh really? The only way we can tell down in Texas is if they have their hair cut like, yours. And he got all pissed. Anyway, I took off the hat, and he walked away. About an hour later, I was drinking and I forgot. Ever forget? It happened to me. I put the hat on, and he comes back over. Now, I’m between six-one and six-six depending on which convenience store I’m leaving. I weigh two hundred and thirty pounds, and this guy comes over, poking me in the shoulder. He says, “You’re outta here!” and I said, “I don’t think so, Scooter!” And I was wrong. They hurled me out of that bar. And then they squared off with me in the parking lot, and I backed down from the fight, cause I don’t know how many of them it would have taken to whip my ass, but I knew how many they were going to use. That’s a handy little piece of information, right there. Well, they called the police because we broke a chair on the way out the door, and I refused to pay for it. I refused to pay for it cause *we* broke it over *my* thigh. The cops showed up, and at that point, I had the right to remain silent, but I didn’t have the ability. The cop was like, “Mr. White, you are being charged with drunk in public-KA!” I was like, “Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! I was drunk in a bar! They, threw me into public-KA! I don’t want to be drunk in public-KA! I wanna be drunk in a bar, which is perfectly legal! Arrest them!” Well, he didn’t arrest them, instead he made me do a field sobriety test, where you stand on one foot, raise the other foot six inches off the ground, and count to thirty. I made it to “woo!” Is that going to be close enough? It wasn’t, so they called in for my arrest record. There’s some good news! Satellites are linking up in outer space. Computer banks at NASA are kicking on.FROM BLUE COLLAR
There will be mud on the carpet tonight and blood in the gravy as well. The wifebeater is out, the childbeater is out eating soil and drinking bullets from a cup.[Anne Sexton (1928-1974), U.S. poet. “The Wifebeater.”]